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Legal Shit

 

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

 

Names used in this contract are same names used in Waiting for Karl Rove.

If I die or end up in a stupid coma/become a vegetable (I hope it’s a potato because I don’t want to be a rutabaga) then my half of the proceeds from sales of Waiting for Karl Rove shall be distributed as follows:

Ten percent (10%) shall be paid to the Remote Control Terrorist because of his help with the book. He would have received 25% if he happened to be a liberal. If the Remote Control Terrorist dies before I do (which is likely if he keeps turning on Fox News while I’m in the room) his share shall go to my daughter Mortified Daughter.

The remaining ninety percent (90 %) shall be paid to my daughter Mortified Daughter. If something should happen to her before I go down hard under a pile of crazed holiday shoppers on Black Friday, her portion shall go to her husband Mortified Daughter Defiler to benefit my grandchildren Pumpkinheads the Elder and Younger.

If something happens to Mortified Daughter Defiler, like maybe Mortified Daughter divorces his ass and he marries a gold digging slut, then that money shall go in a trust fund for said Pumpkin Heads to be administered by my brother Sky King. If Sky King’s head explodes during a road rage event, then the trust shall be administered by my sister Preacher’s Wife. NO TITHING with the proceeds.

If something happens to everyone, then I guess a meteor hit the earth so none of this matters. As long at the meteor doesn’t hit in 2012, I won’t much care as long as the nutjobs are proven wrong.

This official half of a contract between Jeni Decker* and Kat Nove is electronically signed on April 15, 2011 by:

Kat Nove (You don’t get to see my real name. There are plenty of people who can testify as to what it is and I frankly don’t care if it inconveniences them to go to Court because I’ll either be dead or a potato.)

 

*~*

 

To Whom it May Concern,

If I die or end up in a stupid coma & become a vegetable (I hope yam or tomato because I don’t want to be spinach) then my half of the proceeds from sales of Waiting for Karl Rove shall go in a trust fund for Thing One (Jake William Lopez) and Thing Two (Jaxson Walter Lopez) – because I have blatantly exploited them for personal gain, so it would only be fair.

This windfall, however, should be administered by their step-grandfather Bob, because my mother, sister, and husband cannot be trusted with such a chore. Mommie Dearest would drive everyone crazy, husband would buy way too much pay-per-view and beer, and sister would instantly bury herself under a ten-foot high mound of scratch-off lotto tickets.

If something happens to Step-Dad Bob before an anvil falls on my head or I slip in the shower, the above duties will then go (grudgingly) to Resi Decker (sister with lotto fetish) with the IMPLICIT STIPULATION that no lotto tickets, hair color, or chocolate shall be purchased with the proceeds from Waiting for Karl Rove under the guise of “Thing One and Thing Two management”.

If Step-Dad Bob and Resi Decker should succumb to a fishing/hunting/home repair accident, said duties should then fall to my husband – hereinafter called The Bread Winner.  Oy, vey… I don’t even want to think about it. (SEE: ABOVE REFERENCE TO PORN AND PAY-PER-VIEW)

If a fishing/hunting accident, terrorist attack, home repair accident should befall Step-Dad Bob AND Resi Decker, AND The Breadwinner, simultaneously, then I REALLY GRUDGINGLY pass the buck to Mommie Dearest and hope like hell she doesn’t drive Thing One and Thing Two batshit crazy while lording over their money. She will…(sigh) but I will have no other options at that point.

If everyone above dies, I guess a stupid meteor hit the earth and it won’t matter, anyway. (Which would be a damn shame.)

This official half of a contract between Jeni Decker and Kat Nove* is electronically signed on April 15, 2011 by:

Jennifer L. Lopez (YES, this is my legal name, so stop laughing, NOW!)

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