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American Crassroads

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“Who Are We?”

Does it really matter? You’re looking for an alternative to Mitt Romney, aren’t you? Well, look no further…

We’ll be your puppets. We’ll gladly do your bidding. Consider us the strong fist of the GOP – Kat’s quite happy playing the middle finger. As liberals, we understand Republicans. We know what you want – based on what your party tells us you want on TV.

So, in November 2012, when you head to the ballot box, write in KAT NOVE & JENI DECKER. (You could do a lot worse.)

“Our Plan”

~We promise to bomb the hell out of Iran in a massive drone attack.

~We will send all homosexuals to Massachusetts where they can live as they wish – far from your troubled collective moral compass. We understand that Americans do not wish to judge, they just don’t want to have to look at them and ponder all the prurient possibilities.

~We plan on having cats in the White House. Lots and lots of cats… and Jeni’s albino frog, Humbert Humbert. A new Cabinet position will be instated – Secretary of the White House Litter Box. We will appoint former Presidential Wannabe Donald Trump to that position as America’s thank you for his dedicated contributions to the 2012 Presidential campaign.

~We will immediately do away with the American two party political system and create a single behemoth dubbed the “No Nonsense Party.”

~JOBS~

This one is easy and we’re surprised nobody has already come up with it. We will sign a Presidential decree requiring lobbyists to provide jobs to 100 unemployed Americans for every $1,000 they grease our palms with in order to get whatever they want done. Let’s face it – they’re the crux of our systematic problems anyway, so let them figure out how to put America back to work.

Jobs: Done. We’re that good.

~FOREIGN POLICY re: WAR ~

As far as any military action is concerned, our answer will always be the same: “Send in the drones.”

~FOREIGN POLICY re: ENERGY~

Kim Kardashian will be appointed Secretary of State. Hugo Chavez will be her first victim. Her orders will be to hang out in Venezuela, right outside his office-bedroom-bathroom doors, annoying him with a minute by minute recitation of her Twitter feed until he caves and sends all his country’s oil to the United States – gratis. Watch out, Saudi Princes – you’re next!

~ON TORTURE~

Waterboarding? Sure. Cut their fingers off digit by bloody digit until they talk. Whatever gets the job done.

~FOREIGN AID~

No. We said NO! No soup for you. Not a single kernel of rice to even one bloated brown baby. Not on our watch. (NOTE: Except Pakistan. We will continue to pucker up to them every chance we get. They’ve got nukes, Yo!)

~IMMIGRATION REFORM~

Between them, Kat and Jeni have been married to approximately two Hispanics, thusly, have no problem sending anyone of Hispanic descent (whether they’re citizens or not) back to Mexico or wherever they came from.

We promise to build an eight foot fence across BOTH borders, inside which will be a twenty-foot-deep moat containing sharks, poisonous stingrays, jellyfish and piranha in a tepid pool of brackish water containing copious amounts of red dye #4.

Further, we will equip the entire fence with cameras so that if any dirty immigrants manage to scale the fence despite the 1000 volts of electricity, once they drop to the ground on the other side, they will fall into the moat and the results will be broadcast on the National Geographic Channel. And YouTube. Because we’re givers.

~CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM~

Under the Nove/Decker Administration, no public official shall be eligible for more than two years of elected service. This applies to Supreme Court Justices, as well. Those guys have gotten a bit too comfy lately.

All future campaign funds raised by any public official or any person running for any federal office will go into one giant coffer; a community ‘slush’ fund. In order to gain access to these funds, they will have to submit a written acquisition form to co-POTUS Nove and Decker for approval. They must show due cause as to why they deserve the funds.

Sitting House and Senate members would be required to participate in “lightning round lawmaking sessions.” The more bills they are able to get passed, the more money they will be eligible to receive. Let’s hook campaign money up to productivity and see how that works.

Also, no person running for office will be allowed to do any campaigning, create any political commercials or do any fundraising until September of each election year. Anyone found not following the spirit of this new law will be banned from public office forever. In fact, they’ll be sent to Massachusetts with the gays.

~SOCIAL SECURITY~

It is our position that anyone who has paid into this program and has reached the age of 42 (Jeni’s age, incidentally) as of our election, will receive the benefits they’re entitled to. Everyone else: you’re out of luck. Blame Obama. The Social Security safety net will be no more because of his reckless and feckless spending. Let that be a lesson to all of you young, idealistic voters.

~TAXES~

6.6.6. It’s effective, less than Herman’s 9.9.9. And ominous enough to make you take note. That’s all you really need to know about that.

~HEALTH CARE~

Since Congress has recently deemed pizza a vegetable, we’re not sure anything more needs to be done here. Pizza for everyone!

To conclude Day One, before Kat cracks open her first light beer and Jeni lights up her fourth joint, we will appoint Herman Cain as Ambassador to Libya.

*NOTE: As with all politicians, we reserve the right to change, amend and/or disavow any/all of our previous statements, depending on which audience we are speaking to at the moment. Getting votes is job one.

CAMPAIGN VIDEOS:

An Alternative to Mitt Romney

I Am America – And So Are You!

We Know What Republicans Want And We’ll Give It To Them

American Crassroads Press Conference

Trump Debate – WE WANT IN!

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