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How I Intend to Win the 2012 Presidential Election by Changing my Position on Every Issue and Pretending to Love Grits but Not Sex – by Mitt Romney (a private, inter-office planning memo revealed…)

June 10, 2012



Sir, we’ve been asked by the press to address some issues. I’ve bullet-pointed them below. Thoughts? Just jot some notes down beneath each point and I’ll forward them to the speech-writing team for… filtering..

~ Abortion.

While I firmly believe abortion should be safe and legal in this country, I am firmly pro-life. I’m against it, morally speaking, for the purposes of this election, but I’ll happily set up drive-thru late-term abortion clinics next to the kiddy play area of every McDonalds to get the poor, Hispanic, African-American and female votes. How do we get this across without actually using those words?

 ~ On Reagan.

I support every one of his shining policies on the hill, except when facing a room full of people who are not amenable to such support. In which case, I’d be hard-pressed to say anything other than “That Nancy. She loved the gays, didn’t she!” Or something to that effect. What’s wrong with liberals? Why are they so gay-crazy?

 ~ The No-Tax Pledge.

As a Massachusetts gubernatorial candidate I refused to sign it, but as a presidential candidate I have come to understand which side of my Norquist needs buttering. Why don’t they understand that I can’t lead this great nation with a cap in my ass!!


We should control them, in the manner and speed with which the NRA deems fit.

~ Health care reform.

I reformed Massachusetts, but in doing so, realized it was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad reform. It was not wise to make health-care easier and more affordable for one tiny state when the outcome would result in making the rest of the country feel inferior. Romney Care won’t work anywhere but Massachusetts. Why does everyone keep asking me how I know that? I just do.

  ~ The whole “Let Detroit go bankrupt thing”

That was just a high-stakes game of chicken. In the end, that one line scared the shit out of so many people, it prompted action for which I take full credit.

 ~Your firing of Richard Grenell.

I did not fire my former homosexual foreign policy advisor. I merely evolved regarding my need to have him speak during interviews with reporters, conference calls, and at any internal meetings. I doubt his resignation had anything to do with that. Some people just aren’t team players.

~Your “I’m not concerned about the very poor” flub…

I’m not concerned about the very poor. I am concerned with the very, very poor. And the middle class. The rich will be fine – we’ve got built-in safeguards for them; namely the middle class, the poor, the very poor, and very, very poor. (Wait, don’t put that last part in.)

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