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King of the F-Bomb!

May 1, 2012

STEPHEN KING ROCKS!

Stephen King holds a special place in my heart; and not just because Salem’s Lot caused me to be so terrified of vampires I refused to get up in the middle of the night to feed Mortified Daughter when she was a baby. What’s a little deprivation to a squalling child when compared to being bitten by a true vampire, i.e. one that doesn’t make out with insipid teen girls?

King has taught me the value of having the shit scared out of me. Reading his stories and books keeps my life in perspective. If I’m worried about not being able to pay the bills, I can always think about Pennywise the Clown from IT and I immediately put sitting alone in the dark and the heat into perspective. That fucking clown is the reason Mortified Daughter is still terrified of clowns. Yeah, I let her watch the mini-series. Child Protective Services, you fucked up. The statute of limitations is up on that parental crime since she’s now 34.

These days my worrying has become more globalized. The upcoming election is more frightening than Kurt Barlow, Randall Flagg, Greg Stillson, and Annie Wilkes combined. (If you don’t know who these characters are, what the hell is wrong with you? Quit reading romantic drivel and pick up some Stephen King books. You’re welcome.)

Class warfare isn’t just a term to me…I’m living it. The Vagina Wars may not affect little old menopausal me directly, but they sure as hell affect my daughter. If the Grand Old Party had its way, they’d not only have me working 24/7 as an indentured servant, I wouldn’t be allowed to have sex unless I became lawfully married to a man. Talk about your horror stories!

This morning Stephen King justified my total respect for him. He wrote an article for The Daily Beast,  Tax Me, For Fuck’s Sake!  His logic is sound enough for even a moron to understand, but morons aren’t known for being logical.

I fear America’s only hope is for the Democratic National Convention to beg Stephen King to be its keynote speaker. He can drop the F-Bomb all over cable news and perhaps that will get the attention of anyone who isn’t planning to vote. The Obama haters are ALL planning to vote.

Thanks, Stephen King. I’d travel from Texas to Maine to give you a big kiss for giving me a tiny bit of hope, but Tabitha would probably kick my ass.

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